


Vanessa Volumes

by Tria101



Series: the Rulers of Subcon [2]
Category: A Hat in Time (Video Game)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Eating Disorder, F/M, Gen, I mean it, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Starvation, Tread Carefully, Vomiting, but only that one, first drabble is a songfic, for good reason but like, i dont think a single one of these drabbles has a happy ending, will add more tags as needed, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23941759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tria101/pseuds/Tria101
Summary: A collection of very angsty drabbles centered on one very terrible lady, whom I've become terribly addicted to writing. You're probably not expecting what you'll actually get in these. The relationship between her and the Prince is marked but only because it's a defining aspect of her character, and something that's immensely important to her. Nearly every single drabble actually takes place before the Incident, or during it, not really after it for the most part. I'm not entirely certain exactly how intense any of this actually is, but I say better safe than sorry! The foregone conclusion might not help matters, though.
Relationships: Queen Vanessa & The Prince
Series: the Rulers of Subcon [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1754167
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	1. Ragdoll

**Author's Note:**

> I know my tags got kinda rambly here, so, while I have your attention, gentle reminder that these drabbles are angst! What they are, specifically, are chunks of backstory for Vanessa (which, looking at my other stories, is apparently my specialty). It's not fun.  
> This is also just my take on her, and I apparently can't keep a lid on the angst once I get an idea stuck in my head.
> 
> A lot of what happens isn't...written out in explicit detail, but I do try to make it at least borderline unmissable. The one exception is the verbal abuse and the self-loathing.
> 
> As of right now, I'm only posting three parts (Ragdoll, Toys, and...well, even now I can't think of a better title than..."oof" for the last chunk), and am basically testing the waters of whether or not people would like these kinds of stories/this version of Vanessa. If y'all do like it, I'll be happy to post more of the drabbles I have stored up, and the AUs and such I have, which kind of vary between fluff, hurt/comfort, and more full-on angst, it really just depends. Pretty much all of it's focused purely on Vanessa and the various versions of the prince (regular him, the Snatcher, beta boi Moonjumper), because I guess this is my life now, but...hey, if you like Subcon Forest--
> 
> As for this first drabble, this is the one and only songfic in my collection. It gives a basic overview of a) what happened and b) what she remembers (as it's kind of...full flashback, even if that's not readily apparent), so I consider it pretty important. Plus, it uses the song that actually helped kickstart my headcanons regarding Vanessa which have spiraled out of control and spilled out all over the place.  
> The song used is...well...Ragdoll by Ghost. You don't need to know the song to read or understand the drabble, though, due to the way I wrote it. But if you haven't heard it, you don't have trypophobia, and the lyrics don't bother you, I highly recommend it anyway!

♡I hide, I hide in iodine words♡

The earliest memory Vanessa could recollect was when she was very young. When she had started forming her own opinions, begun recognizing her own wants and desires...  
Mother was trying to dye her hair, but she was being less than cooperative.

◇It's something inexplicable◇

She had seen how pretty her natural hair was -- she didn't _want_ it dyed!  
But Mother threatened to shave it all off if she didn't quiet down...

♤It's something unaccountable♤

Vanessa didn't like having blonde hair. The process to dye it was probably the worst part, and the experience soured her opinion even further.  
But it was what her mother wanted.

♡I cry, I cry when anything hurts♡

Eventually, Mother found a spell to make the color permanent.

◇Vexatious, my amygdala◇

Another memory; of Father.  
She didn't remember him very well. She remembered warmth, his smile, a feeling that he had praised her before...

♤That I can't do a thing about♤

She remembered Mother being angry with them both much more clearly. Furious that Vanessa was taking Father's attention off of her, and that Father was allowing it.  
Whispered words behind closed doors, " **I know what you _really_ want.**  
 **You'll never take him from me.** "

♡The tricks and trivials of♡

Even in hindsight, she figured...Mother _had_ to be right. They fought so many times over it, and Vanessa later proved herself incapable of maintaining a relationship with anyone...  
Why else would her own mother be so cruel...?

◇Every twenty four◇

She remembered the first time her tears froze, turning to pure ice before dropping from her cheeks. She had to be crying over something ~~important~~ **petty**. She just...didn't remember what it was...  
It was the first time her ice powers had ever responded to her. She had always been strangely cold, but they had figured that was just...how it was.

♤Maybe you could tone it down♤

And here was proof...there was more to it.

♧A little more♧

Mother had been terribly upset. But that moment was a blur for Vanessa. She remembered fear, heat...being unable to breathe...  
...then Father coming in. And Mother backing away...

♡And I, and I dunno♡

She hadn't been allowed to leave the manor until the bruising had faded. The servants were forbidden from seeing her.  
The bruises were so dark for so long...  
She still remembered what Mother had called her. A **_monster_**.

◇Oh, all I ever knew before◇

Vanessa didn't remember much else.  
She was scared to try.  
She didn't _want_ to know what she had done to earn such a reaction...  
...not when everything else weighed so heavily on her mind already...

♤Were clusters of holes♤

There was a lot of fighting between her and her mother. A lot of screaming and hitting.  
But not in public.  
Never in public.

♡An eye for an eye♡

In front of their eyes, Mother was merely strict. Cold.  
They didn't know the heat of her fury.  
They didn't _need_ to know.

◇That's how the game works◇

Vanessa was glad she had been so good in front of others too. Glad that, for however fake it was, she could be someone others could love. Someone _worth_ loving.  
A perfect, beautiful princess...

♤I'm losing my autonomy♤

She loved playing with the kids, chatting with the commoners...  
It was all fake, though, of course. A monster couldn't experience happiness from such simple things.  
Monsters didn't _like_ **meaningless** people...even if princesses sometimes did.

♧A mutilated part of me♧

She vaguely remembered Father reading lots of fairytales and fables to her as a child. _Lots_ of princess stories -- she usually begged for them, though he was always willing to entertain the obsession.

♡And I defy the way the game works♡

Her favorite, after those incidents, was the story of a monster being cured by love. But in that story, the monster had been a prince, cured by a lovely princess...  
So...would it...not work for her, then...?

◇Between you and me◇

**_Seems obvious in hindsight that it wouldn't._ **

♤It's only getting worse♤

And then...  
After so long...  
Father finally passed away.  
She remembered being more relieved than mournful. She'd miss the stories, but she felt so certain she wouldn't miss _him_.

♡From the mouth♡

A monster's point of view, she supposed.

◇Of a cauterized rag doll◇

...  
Yet, despite her hopes...Mother's behavior got worse.  
Nothing was safe.

♤Supplications to leave him alone♤

Her weight -- and then her diet. Vanessa had always loved sweets...but a princess was meant to make and eat sweets and never gain weight. They also couldn't run or sweat.  
Mother determined the best course of action was to not eat any meals. Only sweets, and only when offered.

♡From the mouth♡

Vanessa could break the second one -- she did. Even if just to get more food in her belly...  
But when she tried to give up and eat real food, Mother hung it over her, not letting her forget her weakness.  
And when Vanessa broke, binging on the food she so sorely missed, only to purge it later, she held that fact close.  
She was _weak_.

◇Of the cauterized rag doll◇

" ** _You think anyone'll love a horrid girl like you?_** "

♤Throw the nails away♤

It was _because_ she was so weak, so horrid, that she needed to be punished. Mother had stopped hitting her for the most part, but that just meant it was _her_ responsibility.  
To keep herself in check...

♧And leave him alone♧

" ** _At least I'm not a dreadful, ugly thing like you._** "

♡I don't know♡

...Then she met _him_.

◇Where the thoughts are coming from◇

Lumiose was her light in that darkness. He was so sweet, and warm...  
He didn't shudder away from her touch like Mother or the servants did.  
His voice, his smile, could make her melt from across the room...  
Around him, she felt so safe. Like nothing could go wrong as long as she was in his arms...

♤Pull my strings♤

She could listen to him talk for hours. She didn't always understand, but he didn't get upset when she asked questions.  
He was perfect -- absolutely _perfect_.

♧And swallow ichor♧

_Mother...it...it's embarrassing to admit, but...I'm worried..._

♡Fire burns♡  
◇And the rags are torn apart◇

_Am I...really good enough for Prince Lumiose...?_

♤I can't inhale anymore♤  
♧'Cuz all I've ever known are holes♧

_Will he not find anyone better than me and move on?_

♡Today something changed♡  
◇I figured it's true◇

" _ **He will.**_ "

♤The frontal lobe placed me♤  
♧Behind my own strings♧

" _ **There's thousands of girls out there that are far better than you.**_ "

♡'Cuz I, defy, the way the game works♡  
◇I'll say it again◇

" _ **He hasn't realized it yet, but he will.**_ "

♤I'm only getting worse♤

Everyone...  
Everyone was...

♡The dull assumptions♡  
◇That I've tasted decency◇

" _ **You'll be as alone as me. You can't escape that.**_ "

♤Waiting for the embers♤  
♧To lose their glow♧

Everyone was a rival...

♡And I and I dunno♡

No one was safe.

◇Oh, all I've ever seen before◇  
♤Were clusters of holes♤

Lumiose was so precious, of _course_ there were plenty of girls clamoring for him...right...?

♡Waiting for the world to burn♡  
◇Waiting for the holes to close now◇

Girls that were stronger, smarter, thinner, prettier...

♤Waiting for the world to burn♤  
♧Waiting for the holes to close now♧

" ** _You're worthless._** "

♡I can't see♡  
◇The holes in my memories◇

 _Actual_ princesses.

♤The fire and I, alone again♤

Not monsters.

♧The guilt and I, alone again♧

Not Vanessa...

♡Say we take what had been torn apart♡  
◇Say we mend any patchwork discord◇

_**He could do so much better than me.** _

♤Turning eyes to the Trypo-Puppeteer♤  
♧I can't exhale anymore♧

She wasn't sure how much of what she did was fueled by which motivation.  
She didn't want to lose him -- by any means. And she wanted the world to know he was hers to keep.

♡So, one, two, three♡  
◇And we'll tie the tourniquet◇  
♤Pull my skin and swallow ichor♤

...

♡Fire burns♡  
◇And the rags are torn apart◇  
♤I can't inhale anymore♤

But...even beyond that...

♡Day by day and day after day♡  
◇I'm causing trouble anyway◇  
♤Pull the fire alarm♤

_**What's stopping him?** _

♧I never meant any harm♧  
♡Never meant any harm♡

She wanted to know...he'd stay with her.  
Through anything.  
Through _everything_.

♡Well, say my limbs are torn apart♡  
◇And all the stuffing falls out◇

" _ **He's gone to find someone else, obviously. About time.**_ "

♤Let the toy wind down♤  
♧It should've never been wound♧

Then, Lumiose left for law school...and she felt into complete darkness again.

♡I never meant any harm♡

" _ **You're getting what you deserve now.**_  
 _ **You're going to be alone too.**_ "

♡Say we take what had been torn apart♡  
◇Say we mend any patchwork discord◇

She remembered fighting with Mother once more. About nothing. ~~About _everything_.~~  
Vanessa remembered shoving her.  
The disgusting sound as Mother's head cracked against the final step.

♤Turning eyes to the Trypo-Puppeteer♤  
♧Waiting for the world to burn♧

And she remembered feeling nothing. ~~She felt empty.~~  
A _monster_ would feel nothing about killing their own mother. Of course they would.

♡So, one, two, three♡

Everything was slipping out of her fingers so quickly. Her sense of safety, of normalcy...  
 **I'm a monster.**  
She _needed_ Lumiose back -- she needed him to _never leave again._

◇And we'll tie the tourniquet◇  
♤Larvae eating away at everything♤

And then...she saw _that_.  
And then, she locked him away...

♡Word goes 'round♡

He'd understand, she told herself. _**I've always understood.**_  
It would just be for a little while. Then he'd know to not ~~buy her flowers~~ ~~love her~~ ~~trust her~~ try leaving her again. He'd know _better_.  
 ** _But he looks so cute, hanging up there._**  
 ** _I want to kiss his little face until there's no tears left._**

◇I'm the Trypo-Puppeteer◇

 _ **There's distractions to eliminate anyway.**_  
No distractions, no rivals...she wouldn't have to worry. And he wouldn't either.  
They'd be alone. They'd be ~~bitter~~ ~~cold~~ _perfect_.

♤Laugh along, I'm spreading holes♤

Of course, now Vanessa knew better. Now she had tried and tried and tried and tried and tried...  
It was not him.  
It was _never_ him.

♡Now I know♡

She shivered in disgust as she recalled his sad face...and realized a sadistic part of her still _liked_ it. Because it was him.  
Because she couldn't stop herself from "loving" him.

◇This has always been my fault◇

Because she couldn't stop herself from being a monster, no matter how hard she tried...

♤And I can't inhale anymore♤


	2. Toys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ragdoll was a summary, everything else is DETAIL. Toys deals with the incident itself, while "oof" is the leadup to the incident. In general, my drabbles jump around the timeline instead of going in sequential order, but I don't think it's too difficult to keep track of them...  
> ...well, I hope anyway.
> 
> This is honestly probably the least upsetting bit I've written that hasn't been an AU.

_Okay, just this once._   
_**Quickly, you idiot, before she comes!** _

Vanessa stuck her hands out to the fireplace, and concentrated. The flames were hot. Embers licked at her hands, already giving her pain from overheating, but she didn't care. Not enough, anyway.

Using the light to assist her, she slowly exerted her magic, causing the shadows to stand up. She formed them into people, then started on what she told herself would be her bedtime story.

She hadn't gotten any stories since Father had passed recently. Mother didn't think she "deserved" them.  
But if Vanessa was completely honest with herself, the story was just an excuse; she _really_ wanted to play with her shadow magic again.

Ice magic was terrible. Terrible to control, terrible to use. Sure, ice was pretty, but you'd have to be a fool to play with it. Plus, it was the reason her body was so cold, why summer days that should have been pleasant nearly put her in an early grave. She couldn't fix that either -- doctor said while she could maybe learn to control how cold she was to other people, it'd never change how dangerous heat was for her.

If ice magic was terrible, shadow magic was _worse_.  
It was the magic of a monster.

The shadows danced to her whim. They hardly looked human; she wasn't sure how to fix that. Not yet, anyway.  
She had to nudge them around somewhat to get them perfectly in front of the fire.

Once she was satisfied, she started with the story...

This one was in love with that one. That one was his soulmate, but she didn't know it yet. She was too scared to love him. Scared of hurting him.  
For, under the spell of the full moon, she would...

**SMACK!**

Vanessa's concentration broke as her cheek stung with pain. Her shadows disappeared within an instant.  
Mother was angry.  
Lecturing her again, about how she wasn't supposed to be using any of her magic...  
Like she hadn't heard any of this before...  
...

* * *

Vanessa had always wanted to tell her prince about her magic. _He's going to marry me, he deserves to know!_  
 ** _He'll know you're not a princess. He'll leave you._**  
Some part of her had even entertained the idea he might help her train, learn how to control it better...  
 _ **Like he'd stay if he knew the truth.**_

But now he was hanging up in the cellar.  
And that sort of hope was gone.

She couldn't stop sobbing. It felt like it had been inevitable, and yet it still hurt _so much_.  
She dismissed her guards -- didn't want to see them, didn't want to _hear_ them. But as she turned around, she spotted the bouquet on the floor.

_Did Lumi bring that?_   
_Don't be stupid, of course he did._

She picked it up, holding it to her face. The flowers started to freeze over. She didn't intend to do that, but she didn't know how to undo it yet.  
The floor underneath her was freezing too.

**_Aren't these the same flowers from earlier?_ **

A horrid thought. Her heart threatened to tear itself even further.  
 _He just -- noticed me and decided to re-use them or something..._  
 _ **He bought them for you from the start.**_  
 _ **You locked him in the cellar for nothing.**_

A flurry of renewed emotion swirled inside her. What was right, and what was wrong, what was the truth...  
Did she even care?

_**M̡y pri͟n҉ce̴ is ͡h͠e̵re͡.̵** _   
_**͝He̸'s wit̷h me҉.͞** _   
_**̵Fo̸re̵ver.** _

Clearly, she was ~~a monster~~ right in her decision to lock him up. A ~~princess~~ _queen_ was never wrong. A princess might be pure, naive enough to make a mistake, but a queen was ~~evil~~ knowledgeable. Mature.

_**Monster.** _

And this queen was _tired_.  
Tired of pretending to be what she wasn't.  
Of always having to hold herself back.

It was time to claim ~~the~~ her kingdom. Starting with her manor.  
No one would ever ~~love~~ ~~trust~~ betray her again. It's impossible to betray your ~~owner~~ queen.

She allowed her magic to run its course, willing the manor to freeze as her limbs fell to darkness. ~~Her magic couldn't disobey her either.~~ It was time to ~~finally embrace the monster~~ stop holding back and just ~~make her outsides match her insides~~ let _go_.

 _**He hates you now just let him go just let him go just l** _ _et him go just let him go just let him go just let him go just let him go just let him go just let them go just--_

Her body lurched under the shadows, and she felt ice surge around her fingertips.  
 _Everything_ was hers now -- everything would be _hers_. To do with as she pleased...

Whether she played with her toys or **broke** them, that was for her to decide.

The prince could hang there for a while, he ~~didn't need to see this~~ needed to be punished for upsetting her.  
She ~~was a monster~~ ~~couldn't bear the thought of being looked at by him~~ had work to do. Outside of the manor...  
It was a ~~terrible~~ beautiful day ~~to be a monster~~.  
Nothing had to hold her back anymore...


	3. oof

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The formatting might be a bit different for this one, because I copied it off of word instead of discord. (Some of my drabbles are converted and saved properly, some are not.)
> 
> Anyways, I feel the need to reiterate that the warning about abuse, self-harm, eating issues, and so on really do apply to these! Please tread carefully if these bother you but you plan on reading anyway!
> 
> Small bit of headcanon; I like to think that Vanessa has a stash of unsent letters in a drawer. Kinda like when you start typing out a big message/reply to someone and then chicken out and delete it all.  
> Writing letters you don't intend to send is supposed to be therapeutic, but I think, in this case, doing that instead of talking about these things let these issues sink deeper into Vanessa instead of helping her. (...not that it matters any by the time we get to that particular letter in this drabble.)

Vanessa woke up with little fanfare. It was the third day of Lumiose's law school thing, and another day she couldn't see him on demand.  
It felt...not-great when she thought about it too hard. And honestly, part of her wished he'd give up on the whole law school thing...  
 _But this is why we got to know each other.  
_ ** _Shouldn't you still rank over some stupid school, though?  
  
_** Argh.  
  
She crawled out of bed, getting set up for the day. _Feels like my stomach has a hole in it...  
_ If she made her pancakes with enough chocolate, Mother would allow her to eat them without making a fuss...  
That meant it was fine, right?  
  
...Unfortunately, she didn't get that far.  
The queen was already halfway through her own meal when Vanessa walked into the kitchen.  
  
"Oh, finally you're up." Mother scoffed into her tea, then a paper over -- with no envelope. "Your fake boyfriend sent a letter."  
  
"Wha--did you go through my mail again!?" Vanessa snatched it away. "Stop it!!"  
Mother just rolled her eyes.  
  
This sort of thing happened a lot, and it drove Vanessa absolutely insane. She only ever got letters from Lumiose, whenever he couldn't visit her.  
If she didn't get to the mail first, Mother would go through every single one for something disagreeable.  
  
" **He's gone to see someone else, you know. There's your proof right there.  
** **About time too.** "  
  
Vanessa...didn't respond. Her eyes briefly glanced down, though she looked right back up defiantly.  
She wouldn't read the letter in front of Mother. Wouldn't give that **_bitch_** the satisfaction.  
 _Don't think like that! She's your mother!  
_ _She's just...  
  
_ " **Oh, stop glaring at me.  
** **I'm only trying to help.** "  
  
 _...  
_ The princess looked away.  
 _...What does the letter say...?  
_ _I should eat first...  
_ She hesitated...but slowly shuffled back out of the kitchen, heading upstairs. She didn't want to eat with Mother watching her anyway  
  


* * *

  
[My Dearest Vanessa]  
  
[I hope this letter sees you in good health! I've arrived at the Academy safely, although I am quite exhausted at the time of writing this. Perhaps I've stayed up a bit too late.  
This place is quite large! And there's countless friendly faces around here. One, ah...enthusiastic miss asked about you. She wishes to send her regards! Though her name escapes me at the moment...  
My studies start early tomorrow, so I best be sleeping. You remember to get your sleep too!  
I'll be sending another letter soon! I eagerly await your response!]  
  
[Sincerely Yours, Prince Lumiose]  
  
Vanessa smiled at the letter. It made her feel warm inside.  
Sure, there _was_ a mention of a girl, but...  
 _...Mother is merely being delusional.  
  
_ _My prince would be sad if he knew I haven't eaten yet.  
_ "Breakfast is waiting." She nodded to herself, folding the letter up neatly and moving to leave her room...  
  
But, who else would be waiting for her in the hallway, except...  
  
" **What did I tell you?  
** **I was right wasn't I?** "  
  
Vanessa flinched back from her mother.  
Yet...  
 _...It has to be a misunderstanding.  
_ ** _Maybe she's seeing something I can't.  
_** _My prince has stuck with me this long, he can't...  
  
_ ** _Why wouldn't he, though?  
_** ** _What makes you so preferable over other girls?  
_** ** _Maybe that letter means nothing now, but he'll find someone soon.  
  
_** She shook the thought from her head.  
"...You're mistaken, Mother." She stated. "He's not cheating on me. At most, he's made a friend." _I'm supposed to be doing that too...I think.  
  
_ Mother rolled her eyes again.  
 ** _Keep doing that and I'll roll your whole head.  
_** "Mhm, just tell yourself that. He's smart. He'll find himself someone new while he actually has the option."  
  
Vanessa hissed. "I'm sorry? If I'm not mistaken, _you're_ the one that constantly calls him stupid!  
And stop going through my mail!"  
  
"Ugh.  
I'm just _screening_ it for anything harm--"  
  
"You're NOSING through it so you can complain about my future husband!" She stomped her foot in frustration. "I can handle my own mail, I'm not a child!"  
  
"You _are_ \--"  
  
"I'm legally an adult next week! _NOT _a child!"  
  
"You're not an adult yet!" Mother's voice was full of venom, but it didn't take. She would _not_ get to be right this time!  
"And don't you dare talk back to me--"  
  
"Don't insult my prince! _And_ stop trying to make me paranoid!"  
  
Maybe Vanessa should have known better.  
  
" **I'm just trying to _help_ you!  
** **I give you a roof over your head and the clothes on your back, _and this is how you treat me!?_** _"  
  
_ Mother would have never backed down. Never admitted fault.  
  
" **You're _going_ to lose him, it's inevitable! I'm trying to _warn_ you so you're prepared for that, you ungrateful brat!**"  
  
She was right anyway...wasn't she...?  
  
" ** _You keep living in this fantasy world with a happily ever after; News flash! People like you don't get one!  
_** ** _You'll be left heartbroken and alone, and when you are, don't come crying to me!_** "  
  
Vanessa...had never been so angry before. In every argument before this, with only two exceptions, she would have backed down.  
  
But this time...she couldn't let it go.  
  
She barely remembered the rest. Maybe because she didn't _want_ to.  
  
The screaming kept the servants at the farthest edges of the manor, where they could pretend not to hear it. Everyone knew that interfering would be the worst mistake they could make in this household...  
  
Vanessa's throat hurt. She wanted the screaming to stop. But she didn't want to _lose_!  
...but she didn't want to "win" either...  
She just wanted Mother to **_stop--  
  
_** ** _SPLAT!  
  
_** That noise snapped her out of her angry haze.  
The sound of her mother's head cracking open on that final step.  
  
She clearly remembered pushing the queen. It was the only thing she _could_ remember for a few moments, as she slumped down, plopping to her knees. All of the anger that had been past boiling was suddenly...gone.  
And in its place, nothing.  
She felt empty.  
  
 _This is a dream...right?  
  
_ But even as she thought that, the body below didn't move. Didn't heal.  
Didn't _speak_.  
  
 _That's probably for the best.  
  
_ It...took a while before anyone had shown up to see why neither of them had come down.  
Vanessa hadn't moved an inch.  
  
She was still waiting to wake up...

* * *

It was strange -- everyone automatically assumed Mother had tripped and fallen of her own accord. Vanessa didn't have to say anything. No one thought to question her...or, if they did, they simply didn't bother. But why wouldn't they?  
 _It's not like I'm not suspicious...  
  
_ She stayed and watched as they scraped Mother's body off of the floor. It wasn't that she necessarily _wanted_ to...  
...moreso that her body wouldn't obey her. No matter how many times the thought of leaving ran through her head, her arms and legs refused to budge.  
If someone had acknowledged the fact that she didn't really want to be there, she would have been grateful...  
  
 _Lumi would have noticed.  
  
_ A few servants had begun scrubbing the floors when one finally looked up at her. Asked if she was alright.  
But, at this point, such words were empty.  
Much like the assuring words she responded with.  
  
Regardless, they sent her downstairs -- over the stain, much to the princess's displeasure -- to talk to the others and decide what to do next...  
  
She wished she had an opinion on such things.  
  
Instead, she quietly listened to the remaining servants discuss things, only giving a comment or two when prompted. She felt too... _wrong_ for much else.  
Finally, after what felt like an eternity...their next steps were decided.  
  
They were going to have a funerary service in a few days. Until then, Vanessa was encouraged to take care of herself and get prepared to be queen; "It's what your mother would have wanted."  
  
For the moment, that meant eating breakfast, as she hadn't done so yet.  
  
 ** _Mother would have wanted me to starve.  
  
_** At this point, it had been at least a few hours since the incident...not that she cared any. It didn't make a difference to her, though it seemed to mean the world to the servants.  
  
But, she really...didn't feel hungry. Her body wanted food, sure, but she really...just...  
...didn't.  
  
Still, they insisted.  
  
It would be the least she could do.  
  
And she... _couldn't_.  
She tried, certainly. But the food looked unappetizing to begin with, and was bland and tasteless in her mouth.  
Her body's message was clear. She was not eating this.  
  
When the eyes were off of her, something that happened fast enough due to the circumstances, she swallowed her one bite and quietly scraped the rest into the trash.  
There was still a gaping hole in her stomach, but it hardly seemed like an issue. It was probably better that she was receiving _some_ kind of punishment for mu̸r̴ḑer anyway.  
  
Though she would have preferred slipping away, going back to her room without anyone the wiser, she waited until a servant came around to check on her. Vanessa then politely thanked them for the meal...and hurried back up the stairs.  
  
The stain was gone now, albeit leaving a spot behind where the floor had been worn into from the presumably intense scrubbing. She trusted the servants would fix that later, and gave herself permission to try to shove it out of her mind as she flopped onto her now-uncomfortable bed.  
  
How did things go so wrong so fast...?  
All of this over a stupid letter...  
Why hadn't she...felt _anything_ when she killed her mother...?  
  
 ** _You know why.  
  
_** She pulled a pillow over her face, wanting to scream. But she didn't.  
  
What was the point of controlling herself, though? Who was left to be mad at her?  
  
 _Lumiose would be disappointed in me.  
  
_ ** _What does his disappointment matter? I'm a mur--  
_** Her stomach lurched, and she rushed out of bed, across the hall...  
  
Why did she have to be like this...? Why?  
Why couldn't she just be good...  
  
Why...did today have to happen...?

* * *

Vanessa hadn't slept or eaten in a while...  
...or, well, no...she supposed that was a lie, though one she wouldn't tell anyone. She _had_ slept -- but it wasn't restful. Her dreams were plagued with Mother's death, Lumiose leaving her, things burning and freezing...  
And she _had_ eaten, a bit, only to wind up purging it later. She wouldn't have tried at all, though, if it wasn't for the fact that the servants insisted otherwise.  
  
Maybe the lack of sleep was why her nerves were so fried. Why it felt like everything was an indication that someone _knew_ \-- that she was in trouble.  
 ** _They know, they all know, they've always known, they're waiting for me to break!  
  
_** It felt like reality was slipping away from her. Like she was now living in some...demented dream. One where Mother died and it was her fault.  
She had gotten such dreams before, a few times, but always woke up mid-murderous fervor and had felt sick, ashamed, anxious...  
There was never a dream that lasted this long. That made her feel this sick.  
But it _had_ to be a dream...right?  
Princesses never had such terrible realities...  
  
 ** _But you're not a princess, are you?  
  
_**She ran her hands across the kitchen drawers, gaze darting over each one. There was a specific one she wanted, and she knew which it was, yet she was scared to open it. Fearful that if she did, maybe it'd be something different... ** _or just that there'd be no going back.  
_** She had done it before. It was nothing new. And now, more than ever, she felt like she **_had_** to.  
  
 _So why am I so scared...?  
  
_ A servant walked into the kitchen, causing her to jump. Like a guilty child trying to hide their crime, she couldn't help denying that she was doing anything, then asking what the servant was doing, without prompting.  
Her brain immediately threw out the answer once she got it, as she really didn't care. The smile they gave her made her feel worse.  
  
Yet, once they did their task, they walked back out, none-the-wiser.  
Her hand immediately slipped into the drawer that she had been hesitating to open for such an uncomfortable amount of time...  
 ** _  
Just one more thing I'll have to answer for, I suppose. What's the harm at this point?_**  
  
She scurried back up the stairs ~~where her mother had died~~ and quickly slipped into her room, locking the door behind her. She didn't want anyone to interrupt her.  
  
Tonight was the last night she'd spend as a princess. First thing tomorrow, she'd be crowned queen. It wasn't fair.  
 ** _Mother should still be queen._**  
 _ ~~I should have been the one at the bottom of those steps...  
~~_  
Lumiose wouldn't be around for it -- and since he wasn't, they couldn't get married. They'd no longer be a pair. He'd be a prince with no princess...  
Who had ever heard of such a thing? A prince dating a queen. It sounded so... _wrong_.  
  
Realizing she was dripping onto her bed covers, she moved her arms, thoughtlessly getting it over her desk instead.  
  
Surely he'd want to leave her after that, and she wouldn't blame him. **_I want to leave me right now..._**  
If only she _could_...  
  
And as the cherry on top of her struggles, she'd have to be _looked at_. **Stared** at. By all of the people in the kingdom...  
It was so hard having Lumiose by her side, calling her pretty, calling her cute and beautiful and sweet, when she knew she was anything _but_.  
Having to go out in front of everyone, having all of her servants and subjects gaze upon her...and knowing they'd find her lacking...  
Knowing they'd be just like Lumiose -- they'd want something more, something better, but would be too polite or scared to say so.  
They'd say nothing of the sunken cheeks, the redness and swelling around her eyes, the dark circles that she'd need to cover up with concealer...  
All of the fancy garments in the world couldn't hide her disgusting frame, the one that Mother would tell her was still highly unacceptable in a princess...  
  
The gloves might hide her wounds, but she'd know. And because she knew, they would too. It'd be obvious. She was terrible at hiding secrets.  
Mother had always seen right through her, at least...  
  
Even so, as she set the knife aside, she froze over the wounds and slipped her gloves back on. She could still feel the soon-to-be scars staring back at her through the fabric.  
Shame and guilt spread through her like a disease.  
 ~~Lumiose would be so disappointed if he knew...~~  
  
She moved to her desk. Her eyes glanced towards the letter she had received from Lumiose the day before, and, though her arms stung, she moved to write one of her own...  
  
[My dear prince...]  
  
[It's nice to hear that school's been going so well. Your tutor sounds like a very nice lady, but I wish you wouldn't mention such things to me. I know your intentions are innocent, but I am...not well. Rather, I fear I am going mad. I wish to tell you why, precisely, yet I do not know the words. I have tried to write so many down, and still...  
Thanks to my own actions, Mother died shortly after you left. Tomorrow, I will finally be crowned queen. And, I'm scared...  
I don't want to be queen. Not without you.  
I wish you were here, I wish you had never left, or I had asked to go with you...  
Sometimes, recently...I've wondered, would it be better if I had died? If I died now? The kingdom would still have you when you return, I'm certain. And if I remember your studies correctly, the punishment for murderers is being hung from the gallows...so perhaps, I should]  
  
Vanessa bit her lip, putting the pen down. She stared at the words she had created...then slid the unfinished letter into the drawer, alongside the rest of her failed attempts.  
  
 _I have to be strong._ She told herself. _Stronger than this. Lumiose has to come back to a happy, loving princess...queen...whatever, or else._  
  
 _Besides, once he's here, things will get better._  
Once her love returned home, things would be better. She'd feel better, they'd be married, and they'd be ready to rule together...  
  
Once he finally came home to her...they would...  
...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I consider Vanessa killing her mother to be the in-universe "point of no return". Whether or not she was justified in this one, specific act is irrelevant; she could NOT mentally come back from that. Even if Lumiose's return had gone perfectly, she would not have hung in there for very long. She would have eventually hit something else that made her snap.  
> Killing a person sealed her opinion of herself and her "role" in the world, turning her into someone who's terrible-but-can-change into a ticking time bomb of disaster.


	4. Choke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured it's alright to post the rest of my drabbles, so I'm slowly doing so as I feel ready. Out of the four so far, this one's been the most "edited", since I figured I'd update it to reflect the headcanons I've come up with since the first time I wrote it. This drabble is one of the earliest I made, and I think this is about the time when I really solidified the specifics of what my Vanessa went through, and tried getting that cross between "desperately wanting help" and "NO ONE CAN KNOW" that she wound up trying to navigate.
> 
> ...oh, and she kind of bleeds a lot in this chapter, with references to, well...being choked, plus a small point between bits that might be a little more intense for some. (Also, I just sort of assumed all the medical stuff, I have fact-checked NOTHING. I don't normally do that, but, at this point, if I was medically incorrect, I think I'm just going to have to live with it and claim artistic licence. Sorry!)
> 
> And, yeah, between bits!  
> There's actually some bittersweet fluff after the first section!  
> Can't write angst ALL the time. But apparently I CAN write fluff that's kind of ruined by foreknowledge.  
> Have fun!

It...had been a little while since Vanessa and Mother had fought. A much longer while since things had gotten so... _physical_.  
Vanessa felt at her aching neck. The dark bruises were obvious, even in the less-than-good window reflection.  
It'd almost be nostalgic, if the memories didn't turn into nightmares...  
  
But there was a key difference this time. Something she hoped she wouldn't have to handle right now, yet...  
...she wanted to see him all the same...  
  
Of course, fate couldn't be so kind.  
  
"Vanessa." Mother came up to her room unannounced, like always. "That idiot prince of yours" the princess weakly tried to hiss, but wound up lightly coughing instead "has shown up. I'm sending him off, seeing as you're...unwell."  
  
A small part of her was grateful. **_I can't let him see me like this._** This was...not princess-like at all. It wasn't even monster-like. She had no idea _what_ it was, but having him see her in such a condition was a terrifying prospect.  
Yet, more overpoweringly...  
 _I want to see him.  
_ She didn't want him to leave. She wanted to be held and kissed and given the chance to cry into his arms...  
She _hated_ this part of herself. The **weak** part that wanted **undeserved pity**.  
  
Even so...she couldn't stop herself from getting up. "N...nn....  
...p.....L...uu....i..." Her voice wouldn't come out. It hurt so much to merely _try_.  
But Mother understood easily.  
  
"You're not changing my mind on this.  
Be a good princess and _sit. back. **down.**_ "  
  
She almost did.  
She almost listened.  
Instead, her legs propelled her towards the door. _If I can make it past Mother, I can see Lumi...!  
_ If she just used her magic, she might have made it.  
  
But habits were so had to break...  
  
Once she was close enough, Mother swung the door shut, sending it crashing into her face. She was knocked off-balance as the pain jolted around under her skin, stumbling back, onto her rear. It was hardly anything compared to her throat, but the tears still welled in her eyes...  
  
Then she heard the distinct _click!_ of the door locking, and she couldn't stop those tears from streaming down her cheeks.  
She scrambled to her feet, desperately testing the door...  
  
" ** _Stay in your room, you ungrateful brat!  
_** ** _I'll tell the prince you'll be unavailable, and you will deal with it like a respectable princess!_** " Mother spit venom through the door.  
  
She started banging on it, desperately switching between that and trying to force the doorknob to turn.  
  
" ** _You'll be staying there until you're fully healed, and no one will hear anything of this, understand!?_** "  
  
There _had_ to be a way out, there just _had_ to...!  
  
" ** _Not like anyone you tell will side with you anyway._**"  
Mother's footsteps went away from the room, fading down the hall...  
  
She kept her attempts up for a moment longer. When the door continued to hold...she set her sights on the window instead.  
  
 _bang!  
  
_ He was down there, right? He had to notice...!  
  
 _bang!  
  
_ Was she being loud enough? She hadn't ever needed to think about this before...  
  
 _bang!  
  
_ She tried to scream. Her throat retaliated, constricting more, forcing her body to cough in an effort to "clear" it, though there was nothing except more throat.  
  
 ** _bang!  
  
_** She had forced herself through a book about biology once.  
Because Lumiose talked about biology, and _everything_ sounded more interesting coming from him, no matter how boring it turned out to be...  
Life...sounded like something worth living, even for someone as horrible as her...  
  
 ** _bang!  
  
_**...It had something to do with the bruises. The swelling of tissue in her throat, or something. She didn't really remember...  
 _Maybe if I just cut out the excess tissue, Mother would let me see him...!  
  
_ _CRACK!  
  
_ The window shattered, her hand going straight through. A different sort of scream tried and failed to escape from her as she yanked her hand back.  
There was _so much **blood**_...  
  
 ** _Mother will kill me for this.  
  
_** Why couldn't she just be _good_...?  
  
It didn't even help -- she looked outside, noticing that Lumiose's ride was already on its way out of the grounds.  
  
She could hide.  
She _wanted_ to hide.  
  
Mother had clearly heard everything, judging from how loud her footsteps were, how quickly they were getting close...  
  
All Vanessa could do was freeze her blood under the flesh ~~much unlike a princess~~ and...brace herself.  
Her voice still wouldn't come, though she tried...  
  
" ** _What WAS that!?_** "  
  
 _Mother, I'm sorry...!  
_ _Please forgive me, I just wanted to see him...!  
  
_ " ** _Are you TRYING to make a fool out of me!?_** "  
  
 _It won't happen again...!  
  
_ Mother got closer, but she knew better than to back away. That would simply make things worse.  
  
 _I know I'm misbehaving again, but, I promise...!  
_ _Please...  
_

* * *

  
"H-hey, hold on any tighter, and my arm will pop off..." Lumiose chuckled softly, patting Vanessa's head.  
He was so warm, so gentle...  
  
"Heehee, then I'll just have to treasure it always if it does~" She half-joked, nuzzling into his shoulder. It felt good to speak again. To be herself...  
Being with Lumiose was _amazing_ ~  
 _I hope he feels this good being with me...  
  
_ "Pffft, like _I_ wouldn't keep my own severed arm~"  
  
 ** _Don't be silly, of course he doesn't.  
_** ** _Why would anyone be THIS happy to be with YOU?  
_**...She held a little tighter. Lumiose tensed, but gave no indication that he was really hurt by it.  
"Oh, how silly of me...~"  
  
She glanced around their surroundings a moment. A walk through the forest was all they were meant to do, and now they were getting quite close to the bridge...  
Anxiety bubbled in her chest. _I guess it's time to head back...  
  
_ Lumiose kissed her head, oblivious to her fear. "My silly princess...~  
I love you so much...~"  
  
"...More than anything~?" She replied as their shoes clacked on stone.  
  
"Mmmmm...Mmmaaaaybe not more than bacon~" He grinned playfully.  
It was a joke, probably. But it made her heart twist.  
  
She shouldn't have, but she stuttered out, "I-I'd like to think...I'm better than _bacon_..."  
  
Lumiose gave her a strange, sad sort of smile. A pitying smile.  
He stopped her in the middle of the bridge, slipping his arm out of her grasp, only to grab her hands. He held them up to his chest, placing a tender kiss on her lips.  
"Of _course_ you're worth more than bacon, my princess...~" He rested his forehead against hers. Her heart was beating so hard in her chest, a pleasant, fluttery feeling -- so similar, yet so different to what she felt just a moment ago. "More than all the bacon in the world, silly~"  
  
She squirmed happily, bestowing numerous kisses on his face in return. "Awww, you're so sweet...!" Those weren't the words she _wanted_ to say...  
...but no words in the universe could ever properly express how he made her feel...  
  
Lumiose smiled softly, walking into town with her, hand-in-hand.  
  
"Ahaha~ Thanks.  
Ah, by the way..."  
  
"-hm?"  
  
 ~~~~Mother would be furious.  
  
"I just noticed your new choker. It looks lovely on you~"  
  
" _Awwwww~!  
_ Thank you, my dear~!"  
  
She forgot to care.


End file.
